I am...Untitled.

I sit in a coffee shop window and marvel at the summer. How the brightness of the sun bakes the tar rode with the exception of tree casted shadows. Today I am thankful for darkened splotches across the sun stained earth. Because of them, it dawns on me..

It’s in the shadows that we can escape from the heat of this world. We so often get burnt- burnt up, burnt out, and left with the flaky remnants that cover up what used to be clean, comfortable, untouched soul. But God gave us shadows!

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty..”*

In the silhouette casted, I can see the definition of the winding branches bursting out of a strong oak. Could it be that we must dwell in the shelter of God so that we can find His shadow? So that we can see exactly His dimensions, look where His arms are reaching to the world, and then lean into His refreshing presence to heal or avoid the burn all together?

I think it could.

From this window seat, I view two men meeting together over black coffee. As I am blogging this very thought I am witnessing exactly what happens in the shadow of the Almighty. They are closing eyes, bowing heads, and moving lips. A Bible is set upon the table as notebooks open. Prayer. The shadows is where we talk, we gather, and we learn with the Lord in His presence.

May our eyes be opened to see God today as clearly defined as we can see the trees on the scorched ground blotted out by Sons grace. May we notice how the Ruah, Spirit-Wind, blows and follow it there. May we also give thanks as we find refuge and a fortress here in the shelter of the Most High for the burnt out places in our hearts.*

*Psalm 91:1-2

Water rippling around my waist, I lean over the pool side to grab my journal and record my thoughts from the day. I asked for the Lord to speak to me specifically. It is easy to read a Bible verse and assume it general, that it was penned for anyone who would take the time to read it. No. Not today. I wanted something that may as well had my name written on it.

Rest.

I’ve just finished college. A few weeks ago I left the world of 21 hours worth of class time, evenings spent on dates with my MacBook Pro, and freezer bag veggies. Here, I enter the “real world” aka unemployment and living with the ‘rents. I have been running around seeking something to always keep me busy because I have become accustomed to maximum speed and today I ran out of things. So I sit poolside and what does God say to me?

Rest.

It is far easier to exhaust myself than to sit and unravel my thoughts. I like when I’m too tired to deal with them. How simple it is to catch my devotional time right before I scurry off to another activity rather than meditate on the Word I am reading. And then there comes the logical excuse of “I’m busy” when I’m asked to do something I do not desire to do rather than have a free moment to step out of my comfort zone.

Rest.

“Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10),” He said, “reconnect with me in the depths of your soul (Jesus Today).” So, here I stand in waist deep water convicted about the fact that I have chosen to often live in the shallow end. Here I can move easy and get out when I want. Diving deep requires energy to swim away from the side to hold my breath and touch God knows what at the bottom. After a number of times, I just can’t do it anymore unless I…

Rest.

To let go into the present of right where I am. To surrender to the fullness if joy instead of rushing through minutes of half-happiness and half-controlled thought. To trust God with tomorrow rather than schedule my moments praying they get me another rung higher on the ladder. To take as long as needed to open my arms and heart wide enough to experience God delighting in me and His creation.

Rest.

“This is we’re God is. In the present. I AM-His very name”
-One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp

I AM… Not was or will be. So stop walking the fine line between present and future, productivity and waisted energy, business for Jesus and Holy work. Start embracing the moments right were you’re at. Be here and open up just as God is there and longs to pour in.

Rush leaves the heart malnourished.
Rest is the heart being fed.

Sometimes I forget it’s Ok
to hurt, to feel, to be unsure
Like I have to have it all together

The Proverbs 31 woman
who loves her man
Is a rare treasure
Adorned with inward beauty
Is some miracle caretaker 
While I sit and fear more than just the Lord

What if some times I don’t laugh at the days to come?
I know there will be joy but I also feel the pain I mask
And know I will have to deal with a past
where I buried mistakes and heart breaks in the sand
only to find them uncovered by the waves of the present.

Some times I forget it’s Ok
to let go, to cry, to punch something
Like I have to fake being happy and proper

The Proverbs 31 woman
who has her husbands confidence 
Isn’t a frail mess
Rich and can prepare for now
Is clothed in a robe of strength
While I often dress in brokeness and am tired.

What if sometimes I don’t do works that are worth praising?
I know I’ll seek God on my journey but I also see the climbing walls
And I know I frequently trip and fall
on the holes I have dug in the circles I have already run
only to find that I have limped back to the start.

Sometimes I forget it’s ok
to not be her, to be lame, to be me
Like I earn Super Woman status by performance

What if I don’t have to measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman?
I know I will fall short and find it impossible to fake it until I make it
And I know my failures are covered
with redemption by a God actually making me more like her
only to find that in my brokeness, He sees me as she.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

-Proverbs 31:30

I don’t care what you did,
He said
I don’t care what you’ve done.
For you are the daughter
But I am the Son.

Let your yesterday vanish,
He said
Steadfast love is near.
For you are the darling
But I am the Dear.

At the sound of His voice
She awoke from a dream
Tears still on her face
And she could remember His eyes
Were mercy and grace
But she couldn’t believe
Was He talking to me?

You must not have seen what I did
She said
Look at all that I’ve done.
For I am the harlot
You high-favored Son.

Yesterday will not vanish
She said
Justice’s jaws are near.
For I am the debtor 
And you are the Dear.

At the sound of her cry
He ran past her walk
As He took her place
And she could remember His eyes
Were mercy and grace
Yet, she couldn’t believe
Was He doing that for me?

I don’t care what they did
He cried
I don’t care what they’ve done
For you are the Father
But I am the Son.

Let yesterday vanish
He cried
Righteous redemption is here.
For they are Your darling
But I am Your dear.

At the sound of His voice
She knelt down at His cross
Tears still on her face
And she could see in His brokeness
Were mercy and grace
It was there she believed
He was talking to me.

He doesn’t care what I did
She said
He doesn’t care what I’ve done.
I am His daughter
He is the Son

In His rising I am risen
She said
Resurrection day is here.
For I am His darling
And He is my dear.

He was talking to me.

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.
-Lamentations 3:22-24

This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.
-John 3:16

I sit staring over the rim of my coffee mug out the window into the dreary sky.  Rain pours from endlessly gray clouds and I can’t help but think back to the past week.  My toes were in the sand, the sun kissed my face and streamed down my back, while the song of ocean waves were the only thing that my heart would dance to.  Surrounding me were friends and fun.  

Spring break disappeared as fast as it came, leaving behind a remnant  of God’s presence that I have newly come to recognize.  You see, there is a distinct difference in being productive in the Lord and just being busy for Him.  I am recognizing that just as important as the times when I have pulled my guitar across my shoulder to lead others in His worship or opened my Bible to speak to the beautiful girls in my Bible study group are the moments when I rest in His grace.

I’m exhausted with the American ideal of productivity and even the Christian mindset that things have to appear on the outside to be a certain way.  It’s as if we’ve put faith in a box and said that “serving God” looks this way and not that.  Truthfully, service is as much pause as it is action. It is as much peace as it is perseverance.  The Lord even took a day of rest when He made the earth. If God needed a time away from production, how much more do I? 

This week was the first time I have let go in a while and I felt so much joy.  I kept asking myself why I do not do it more and I recognized that it is because of pressure.  I never take time off because the world tells me that I am not supposed to. 

World, I cannot stand up anymore under the weight of your opinions or your desire for me to be busy… even being busy for God.  I wont fall for this false sense of achievement.  Falling asleep in His arms and letting my guard down in His love may be more vital than any thing that you tell me that I need to earn.  So here’s all your trophies back, I do not need a plaque as proof of God’s presence. Quit telling me what you think I should do or that the “Godly Woman” has it all together. That she needs to work here, get married then, or should wear this.  She doesn’t and I refuse to.  Enough girls have been deceived by that and are living the lie of religion instead of pursuing a real relationship with Jesus already.  I will not play these games and I will not paint by your numbers.  God is connecting the dots of my life and there is a different picture then the one you tried to design.  The fact that you do not understand it and that I don’t quite match what you envisioned for me means that it is God’s will for my life.  If you could comprehend it then it wouldn’t be greater than you.  The Lord speaks freedom over my life and all my situations.  I will no longer wear the shackles of who you think I am supposed to be.  

I am free to be me.

Child, you are free to be you. 

Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out. Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do? Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice? Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him; Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! 
-Romans 11:33-36

Your love is your motivation. Your motivation is your action. 

I learned from a sister of mine in Kenya that 3 pennies mean “I love you.” She would leave 3 pennies for her friends in their shoes, jacket pockets, and anywhere else creatively convenient. I decided to incorporate this into my own life and share it with almost everyone I know.

For the past few days I have been digging around in my room.  Gage hid for me a “gift” in my house and I couldn’t find it to save my life. Finally he gave into my begging and told me clues over Skype as I searched.  As directed, I stood on a chair and checked the top shelf of my cabinet. There is was… a letter with 3 pennies taped to the inside.

This is not real…A slight sense of shock began to set in.

What he did not know is that he also had a gift secretly hidden for him. We have been dating (or courting in Christian-ese) for half a year and I wanted to do something for him because I knew we wouldn’t be able to share the day together. A small gesture of my thankfulness for the past months became a stow away in his back pack this as he drove back home after visiting me this weekend.  Whipping the computer screen around, I started freaking out. “Please go get your bag, I left you something too. You won’t believe this!”  Gage rummaged around until he found it. He tore off the tape (I refuse to link envelopes) and opened it to discover a letter… with 3 pennies.

Coincidence is not real and I will not chalk this up to random chance. There is a lesson here about love, life, and the God who commands circumstance. 

Your love is your motivation. Your motivation is your action. 

When hearts are aligned, the same action is attained. Through this surreal moment, God showed me just how important it is to be on the same page as Him. When my soul beats the same as His heart I can be His hand.   

Align your actions with the desires of Jesus and watch His love be accomplished in the world around you. There is no telling the great things he will call you to do! May your motivations be a mirror of His movement of love in your life.

“I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.” -Acts 13:22

Call it your conscious… desire…worry…anxiety…stress… what ever you want. But when it comes down to it, there is a spirit about and around you. It was never meant to be alone and from the beginning of time a darkness has been pushing at your being to lead you away from the light your soul was supposed to breathe in. This makes you feel a tension and sparks a yearning for anything to fill the hole in your heart.

I want to tell anyone from every walk on a spiritual journey what 3-D’s I learned today that keep you from finding the God you were meant to be with all along.

Distracted- We live in a society where we are bombarded with media, music, and noise. It is so easy to wander from one temporary fulfillment to another. Don’t be upset when you recognize how fleeting you are, just return to a Voice that you have been hearing with a smile and loving contentment. There is a God who has been calling to your heart from the beginning of time. His voice may be hidden underneath it all.

Deception- This is your hearts enemies best tactic. The serpent did this to Eve in the third chapter (Genesis 3) of the Bible and evil has been doing it ever since. There is a quote that says “stand for something of you’ll fall for anything.” Figure out what you stand for. Better yet, find out what you’re standing on. In a battle with deception you have to arm yourself. Study God’s Words for you, they’re your best defense.

Discouragement- When someone knocks at your door, you can refuse to answer it. I do this with the UPS man all the time. I don’t what to talk to him or sign his clipboard. (Sorry brown suit and big truck guy… no offense) The same works when you’re hit with a put down. When one knocks on your door, you do not have to open it. Let it sit outside until it thinks you’re not home and has to walk away. Resist and ignore it. It’s a lie you only sign off on if you choose to let it in.

Never once did you or will you walk alone. To reap the benefits of a God who says he is “with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20), you have to search for Him and be willing to see the flat, clear truth of His love amidst the 3-D’s. He is there in the midst of your moment. Just look.

…The Lord will stay with you as long as you stay with Him! Wherever you look for Him you will find Him. But if you forsake him, he will forsake you.

-2 Chronicles 15:2

*Based out of my learning in Jesus Today by Sarah Young

I like to call my room organized chaos. 

Most of my clothes don’t always find their way to the hanger, socks are usually not paired together, and the only categories that exist for my dresser drawers are anything that doesn’t belong in a closet.  I don’t make my bed because I don’t really see the point if I’m going to crawl back into it and mess it up again anyway. And my desk has everything spread across it.  Where you might get lost in the jungles of my room, I feel at home. Despite the clutter, I usually know where everything is. I’m content in the chaos because I created it.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

- Colossians 3:15

God has called me to a life of peace and thankfulness. This morning, the Lord taught me the interconnectivity of these two attributes that are called to dominate my life and my eyes were immediately opened to the fact that my soul is a lot like my room. I let the chaos build up because it’s still functional.  It may not be organized, but I know where my prayer life is, where my desires lie, and where the drawers of my gifts and talents are. I’m content in the chaos because I created it.

I call my heart organized chaos.

But organized chaos isn’t enough. Ever just feel tangled? Like situations get the best of you or that what God is asking of you to give Him right away you can’t exactly find?  Clean up! If spiritually I can put focus and intentionality into the spaces of my soul then peace can come walk into the clean spaces.  The more junk I let gather in the corners, the harder it is for me to be thankful for what I have because I can’t see it.  Sometimes I even forget that I have it and I start complaining to God that I need what He has already given to me.

 God has called us to a life of peace and thankfulness. May we be good stewards of our soul and keep it open and clean. Maybe there are some cobwebs you need to sweep up, trash you need to take out, or some old journals you need to reread that have been stored away in a drawer of your heart for too long. Remember what He has done for you and take and inventory of what you have been given. By this, thankfulness for what you have can give way to peace beyond circumstances. 

Hope breathed into the storm
But was lost in the wind
Blown around, forlorn
And would never lend
It’s relief

Amidst the chaos of the thunder
And the rush of the rain
Truth hid under
Falling drops of shame
And grief 
Like the rain

The sender called
The message fell
The listener distracted in vain
By circumstance
She missed her chance 
For deliverance

The sender called
The message fell
The listener gazed at the pain
By a lightening strike
She missed what might
Have been true light

Spirit, open her ears.

Again Hope called into the storm
A still small voice in the wind
It was an angelic form
Of melodies that send
The Son
Through the rain

The sender called
The message fell
The listener distracted in vain
By circumstance
She missed her chance
For deliverance

Spirit, open her ears.

Tired of the torrent
And the deafening thunder
Is where I found a new song
Not of removal but redemption
Not of power but of promise
That truth is better in a soft whisper

This sublime notion
That if I had tuned into quiet 
and not commotion
I would have heard all the while

Hope breathed into the storm. 

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of theLord, for the Lord is about to pass by .”Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

-1 Kings 19:11-12